Upon my arrival to certification I felt so safe and nurtured to be in the valleys of Taos, a home away from home for the next 5 weeks. I see familiar faces with whom I love and those I have not yet met but know connections will form soon enough. I’m so excited that I actually made it to Certification (plus two more modules after that) in what feels like a relatively short amount of time. You see, my first breathwork was in February 2011 and here I was at Certification in August 2013. I knew in my heart of hearts after my first experience of breathwork, I was meant to carry this work forward. It was like the pieces of a very scrambled puzzle were put back in place and the deep sense of longing to belong somewhere was filled. A calling if you will. And with that, I sold my car, most of my belongings to get to the states four times in two years. I feel I have been incredibly blessed to do this work, to meet people I love and respect so deeply. For the first time in my life, I felt I had purpose and meaning.
So I was walking around Taos in a state of disbelief really. Could I really be here, it’s just been a total state of grace how it’s all come to fruition. The hugs start rolling in from dear friends and I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy. Aaahh….my Hearts Family. Then a slight rumbling under the surface starts to emerge. It’s my old friend Doubt. Who do you think you are?.....What the fuck are you doing here?.....You are SOOO out of your league here. You’ve only been doing this for 3 years. You should just pack your bags and GO HOME. Who were you to dream so BIG?........You haven’t got as much experience as the rest of the people here…….Anxiety kicks in and away we go.
Now I won’t go into every detail as to what happened, not because I don’t want to but to be honest I can’t really remember…..there was so much going on but I guess they don’t call it an intensive for no reason! It was however the most sacred thing I had ever done in my life. The truly amazing souls I spent it with and the process of sharing ones journey so far was deeply touching. I will hold those memories very close to my heart. I do remember having the most intense breathwork sessions ever though. Very long and hard. But awesome. I tapped into those deep waters where the primordial energies lie. How very powerful and very relevant for me as it seemed I had so much homework around setting boundaries for myself. I really believe experiencing those energies can help in gaining a sense of empowerment. As a child I grew up with an older brother with sociopathic tendencies and was subjected to abuse and torture of many forms. So any sense of healthy power was stripped away and in a way, I felt I adopted this torturous way of being. To this day, I have no idea to this day why my brother was like the way he was. My mother convinced he was just born evil. All I know is that this severely traumatized boy affected my life to the point where I carried these acts of violence out on myself through cutting and burning my body, drug and alcohol addiction, eating disorders and eventually trying to commit suicide at the age of 26.
Over the 5 weeks I really got to meet this demonic energy. So what do you do when you confront these energies within yourself? Panic! Well that's at least my first reaction. Go and hide in the corner and close your eyes and pray like a mother fucker and hope you don't take someone out or get taken out in the meantime! I have learned from this particular demon though is that it will destroy everything in the name of protecting me. Even to the point where it will destroy me. That is its primal role or energy. I respect it to the fullest. I had an amazing talk with Stan Grof in which he looked at my mandalas and said “Lynda, you REALLY need to allow this thing full expression during a breathwork session”. To be honest I felt like if he could he would have jumped right in, right there and then and helped this thing to emerge! All I can say is what a relief in this work we are not pretending these energies doesn't exist, instead allowing it to be in its full expression in a facilitated safe environment. Perhaps even asking it, what it needs? I can honestly say I have compassion for my brother today. If only someone could have been present for him in this way. For so long I walked around not being able to look at another person in the eyes and realising that Shame was a major driving force within this energy. I was so moved when Stan looked at my drawings and wasn’t freaked out by them or me for that matter! For the first time I felt, I wasn’t Evil. I felt he really ‘saw’ me.
Interestingly enough is that upon my return I was writing down at the little café where I love to go and this stranger sat down and started to tell me about the Evil in the world. How we are all victims of sociopaths, having not said anything about my life. He then informed me that he was a galactic engineer, that there are new planets moving into our solar system and how there is to be a great culling of the people. I was slightly freaking out at this as I had just drawn mandalas of what looks like a great culling of the Earth, aliens and some other things that this gentleman had mentioned. Someone then leant me the movie ‘1984’ to watch. Hmmm is this the extraordinary meeting the ordinary?!….. As I’m a believer in synchronicity and nothing just happens by chance, I’m trying to figure out why this guy found me and we had this conversation and why it’s all so in my face?! Should I pay attention? How much information should you take on from ‘out there’? It was hard enough growing up with a sociopath as a brother, but are we all victims of people in power being sociopaths? Is there really a dark force ruling the world? At the end of the day I realized ‘ah yeah probably, but there seems to be some shifts happening balancing out these energies, but maybe not with a death/rebirth experience first, who the fuck knows really. All I know is that I just need to focus on healing within. That’s all I can do in the moment and then if that creates a ripple in the world , great! It doesn’t do me any good to be worrying about things happening ‘out there’. I heard a saying recently from Mahamandaleshwar Swami Shankarananda (initiated by Baba Muktananda – Christina’s guru) “ It’s just not in my pay grade”.
Since workshops are few in Australia, I've had to create this safe environment for myself in everyday life. I've realized that doing this type of work, it is so important. What does safety mean exactly? Well for me it means not harming yourself through binging, drinking, drugs or any addiction. It means nurturing, when you are tired - sleep, hungry -eat etc. It means not judging where you are at, speaking loving words of encouragement to yourself. Having a spiritual discipline practice daily. Keeping mandalas, creating altars with deities and objects that keep my experiences alive… And most of all, giving myself the TIME to just be with what is going on, not trying to control, change or fix anything.
I would have never been able to just ‘be’ with myself in such a way if it hadn’t been for Holotropic Breathwork and the support from the people involved. Being present for others and myself has allowed me to grow and expand with so much joy and freedom. I love the depth and richness it brings to my life. I guess this is all coming up because I have learnt a lot over the last 12 years, 8 of those training in Holotropic Breathwork which has changed my life and taught me so much including the most important factor in healing, TRUST. I can only hope by diving in and facing these shadow aspects, bringing them to the surface, allowing others to do the same, will facilitate some greater healing for our planet. But if not, I will die happily knowing that I have created space within myself to love and be present those around me, to bring a child into the world consciously and be more respectful to Mother Earth.